grrlTravels

The system may be failing prospective a-parents, but prospective a-parents fail the system. Specifically...well, you touched on it in your post...most paps don't WANT to hear unpleasant possible realities. You can feed them pamphlets on attachment disorders and warn them that their kids are likely to be limp and floppy or angry or despairing...and you'll only be heard if the paps are WILLING to listen.

It's better on the big lists than it used to be, but you still have people who plaintively post that everything posted is SO NEGATIVE! if anyone posts about the problems that children can come home with. You can't blame them totally--many have yearned and hoped for children for a long, long time, so they're still in that happy-happy joy-joy ladybugs and red threads state. And some people just aren't cut out to be "what-if" thinkers.

Anyway, I don't know what adoption agencies realistically can do, aside from require potential aparents to attend seminars and send them the pamphlets and reading lists. Do much more, and the aparents will find a different agency, one that doesn't require as much "negativity" or "work"...

The only way, in my mind, is to treat all agencies the way state adoption agencies are run: you MUST take the 12-week MAPP course to be approved for state adoptions. Something similar could be required for international adoptions as well. I know that Colorado has instituted such a policy, and probably other states.

But I also know that potential aparents who are starting out resent the impingement on their time, energy and emotions.

So I don't know what the answer is...

I also feel that most agencies do not require/provide nearly enough education to their clients and so in that area are failing both the parents and children.

The Hague treaty will mean that a minimum amount of training must be received by all prospective parents and I think that will be a big step in the right direction. However, like OM I think that there will always be those prospective parents who are resistant to anything they percieve as negative - you can lead a horse to water kind of thing.

I also think it is a delicate balance between educating and scaring s***less. I think its important that the information is presented in managable buliding blocks of info and not all in some overwhelming (time saving) one day only seminar type approach.

Of course we all approach this learning curve differently, I'm the type that wants to read, read, read and research in order to feel some sense of "control" (totally imagined of course but nonetheless comforting) whilst others don't want to read about a load of potential issues that may never effect them and their child and prefer to deal with things as they happen rather than researching too much ahead of time. That would be scary to me but it works for others.

At least between all the yahoo groups. blogs etc. there is a wealth of information to be easily accessed - it must have been a very different story only a decade ago.

Sorry no real point to my rambling but I have been thinking a lot about the recent disruptions.

This is a very important post. Thank you.

I agree with Debberoo. But that's probably because I'm the exact same "type" as she describes.
Thanks for this post, it should be required reading. Our training was minimal but - and I guess this is just being British! - it was very much worse case scenario stuff and I'm grateful for that.

I tend to agree with OmegaMom. Our agency gives a lot of training and cautions clients about the likelihood of attachment problems, developmental delays, etc., but many people consider them to be "negative" and switch to a more warm-and-fuzzy agency after attending their orientation meeting.

I think you make an important point when you say "you are doing yourself and your child a disservice to expect and perhaps even to hope that there will be no issues whatsoever." The adoption community in general seems to be beginning to awaken to this reality, albeit reluctantly.

Amy, you bring up some really important issues about post-institutionalized children. I don't think any of our children survive unscathed. Mine certainly didn't. At every stage of their development, my husband and I closely examine what is going on. Is this developmental? Adoption-related? Attachment? Loss? Am I looking for problems? I don't think so. I'm just trying to be sensitive to the fact that my babies had a sucky infancy. A really sucky infancy. All children have issues and problems. ALL. And our children have a unique set because they were institutionalized at a critically important developmental stage.

I do think so much has to do with resiliency -- some children are more resilient than others. And some children are more deeply affected by their orphanage days. More DEEPLY affected. Because all of them ARE affected. And, I agree, it is a huge disservice to our children to believe otherwise.

Like you, I went into international adoption thinking that Chinese orphanages were better than those in other countries. Like you, I wanted to believe that the care in our daughters' orphanage, in particular, was better because of the better ratio of caregivers to children. Like you, I *desperately* wanted to believe these things. I was naive. And I know otherwise now.

Z., L. and A. are all from the same orphanage. We both know about the problems there before Half the Sky traveled to establish Infant Nurture Centers. According to the HTS staff, it was an average-okay orphanage. Not bad compared to the other institutions they've worked at and visited. Think about that. The need is overwhelming.

Spending a week last summer in the orphanage establishing the center, visiting with the babies and ayis, eating in the orphanage canteen, and walking around the city was an incredible gift for our entire family. And hopefully, the orphanage will be a better place for the babies who live there no and in the future. BUT it is still an orphanage. And these babies will still have to learn how to cope and live with the effects (hopefully less damaging) of their early days.

I agree with a lot of what OmegaMom says in her response. My biggest beef with adoption agencies is the total lack of POST-adoption support. Yes, there needs to be pre-adoption education but cripes, after you come home, is when you need even more education and support. Very few agencies provide it. And sadly, many (if not most) families don't want it anyway but I know lots of families that need it. Lots.

You are doing great things with your blog, Amy. But more importantly, you are doing wonderful things for your sweet daughter Z.

Warmly,
Betsy
MaMa to L.(6) and A.(3.5)

Thank you for this post. As a waiting mom, I am really interested in hearing what you have to say. I think your blog ahould be required reading for pre-adoptive parents!

I don't think I'll ever be fully prepared but maybe I will be a little more aware...thanks to blogs like yours.

We originally applied to adopt through social services and we did the training. Twelve weeks. It was..unhelpful. Even though most families were applying to adopt kids with severe problems, the training was mostly "how do you FEEL about that?" stuff. The ONLY thing they did was show a video about the "2 month honeymoon" period...apparently older kids are on a "honeymoon" for 2 months before they start feeling comfortable and "testing" the boundaries.

I totally lived in never-never land before adopting and I probably would have never adopted if I'd known the truth.

What an important post this is.

There definitely is a misconception among many a-parents. And, the fact is many of the issues (sensory deprivation, RAD, PTSD) can be misconstrued and just read as rambunctiousness, daredevil, or charming. If the symptoms aren't severe, they can be missed.

Also, I think the concept of "saving" a child that some people have is a dangerous one. There is an implication that love will cure all. And, while it does a world of good, it can't solve everything. True intervention is needed and I think it's sometimes missed.

Thanks for posting on such an important subject.

Margaret wrote "many of the issues (sensory deprivation, RAD, PTSD) can be misconstrued and just read as rambunctiousness, daredevil, or charming. If the symptoms aren't severe, they can be missed"

What makes this even worse is that friends and family "outside" of the adoption community frequently point out these behaviours in an admiring and complimentary way because yes these behaviours are admired in other children.

It is very easy for an adoptive parent who is aware that something else is going on to be made to feel they are "looking for problems" or are "hung up on the adoption thing".

I think sometimes people feel that they are being unsupportive, disloyal, judgemental or being negative about your child if they acknowledge that any of these behaviours have anything to do with adoption and the childs prior institutionalized life.

Somtimes the motivation is just lack of interest but I think more often people so want to validate your family and express affection for and acceptance of your child that they don't want to appear in anyway "negative".

Of course sometimes it is other adoptive parents who have this attitude - blessings!

This is why it is so important to have access to a knowledgable adoption SW, pediatrician, supportive agency, other parents, experts, books, yahoo groups, FCC and blogs like this one.

Sometimes during the referral wait I would chide myself for the time I was spending on yahoo groups and reading blogs about adoption but I feel it was time well spent as it has given me a support system of very knowledgable and experinced people that I can turn to if/when I need to with questions about attachement etc.

Some of the yahoo groups also exposed me to the "love mends all" mentality and the "aren't we wonderful saving a child for Jesus" types - I think this was invaluable too because I had no idea they were out there - forewarned is forearmed!

Great post Amy. It's real and I thank you for being that. I know you love Z. Period. Love is wonderful but there are realities within love that can be challenging and harder than you ever thought you could handle. You're doing it beautifully. I think this post is a great start for educating adoptive parents.

On an very different note, you've been tagged. Stop by my site if you're interested.

Amy - I've learned more from following your journey that I have learned for the numerous books on my bookshelf or any social worker visit. Honestly, I have been surprised by the amount of education required by our agency. Yes, we have to do some but it's online and we receive no feedback. Did we get the answers right, wrong, don't know. Am I prepared? I don't know. But I can tell you that laughing and crying along with you has helped. Early in the process it became clear that my husband wasn't going to read every single thing he could get his hands on. I told him if he only read one thing, please make it your blog.