grrlTravels

I do think adoption agencies, social workers and parents have a lot more to do before paretns are adequately prepared for adopting children. And you haven't even gotten into counselling parents about lifebooks, how to discuss the child's previous life, etc. It doesn't stop with that initial transition (and I don't think you were saying you thought it did) but I do think so many of us are woefully unprepared.
For example, I was extremely negative about Lifebooks while I waited for Z. to come home. Thought they were a waste of time and pointless. I mean, I was going to tell Z. her story - I wasn't trying to hide anything! And then she came home, and I discovered how difficult I found it was to talk to her in a coherent fashion regarding her first parents and her life in China. It wasn't a lack of desire on my part - but rather a lack of skills. And suddenly - the purpose of the lifebook was so clear, so brilliant. And now I am kind of a fanatical lifebook convert.
Illinois actually now does require SW to meet with new parents within 1 month of coming home with an adopted children. Which is good, but the meeting was pretty perfunctory (and I love my SW and she has been a wonderful support for the past 2 years, as well as a fantastic resource).
I don't know what the solutions are - I guess I am taking the long way around to say I agree with your assessment of the problems.

This was a really thought provoking post.

My agency is *good* on some levels and terrible on others. For instance (not so good): we were required to take three or four excellent classes, each two hours long, but they were online classes (we had to pay for them, too). While they were helpful, I saw them more as tangential to what I thought should happen--at least one hands on class, face to face. I mean, you have to go to a class for IVF training! I understand that people live in different areas and that staffing might be an issue for smaller agencies, but I did feel strange about only taking online courses. These classes don't need to be about making you feel "less than" a bio parent (as in bio parents don't need to do this), or even about making you jump through hoops--these classes can be about support, help, giving you the kinds of things that the outside world doesn't or can't always give. I would have LOVED a baby care class offered through my agency, for example. I searched and searched for one that catered to adoptive parents and not bio newborns. I asked about five or six different places--hospitals, YMCAs, my agency--nobody had anything. It was really frustrating. I can't help but think that if a baby care class was included with an agency I would choose them ABOVE another agency now. And if they required me to take a class on parenting a child from another country, hell I'd jump right in.

The other thing that disappointed me about my agency was our social worker. Kudos to my agency for requiring three visits before homestudy was written, although I must say at the time I was annoyed by it. Plus the visits have to be 6 weeks apart. Eeeeyaaa. But with those good requirements, my social worker SUCKED. The WORST EVER. She was a giant flake, asked almost no questions of us (instead decided to tell us all about her), when she did ask questions kept them light and didn't follow up at all. Then when she wrote the HS she got our names wrong and put in inaccurate information. It was a mess. She has been very little support.

In fact, my entire agency is really unsupportive. They've annoyed me so much that if I DID have a concern or was freaked out and needed to discuss with someone I wouldn't choose them at all. I'd turn to my friends.

So I wholeheartedly agree with you, Amy: agencies need to do more. Much more.

Hi. I've been lurking for months but just had to jump out and say "I know!!" I have just finished my homestudy for an international adoption and was STUNNED to find it so brief and happy-fuzzy. When the socialworker was finished interviewing, I wanted to chase her into the parking lot and cry "Wait! Don't you want to hear any of my dirt?!" It was so simple that it left me feeling really unsettled. Is that all there is?

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

From the first moment when I said, huh - so we're paying her to pass judgement on us? Doesn't seem like she has a lot of incentive to look closely... to the totally prefunctory home visit... I have been muttering about the ass-backwardness of this system.

I wanted someone to make me think about tough questions, to help prepare me for the realities of life with a child whose life to date has not been smooth as silk. I got Mrs. Vaseline Teeth, who has not even asked us about our plans for supporting our child's cultural heritage or talking with our child about adoption. Because, you know, love conquers all.

(And when I have moments of bitterness - why should we have to do this just because we couldn't get pregnant? - I think that all pregnant folks should have to have a real sitdown with a social worker to talk about their plans for baby care, for discipline, for etc. etc.)

I will give our agency credit for scratching the surface on issues that weren't quite so warm and fuzzy. I will give them credit for being quite child focused. I have actually met people who told me our agency wouldn't work with them. So yes for some surface scratching. But having spoken at an informational meeting as a newly returned family, I'm now distressed that we participated with baby on our lap. Because I feel like that is ultimately the message they want to get across. "See! These people were just like you, sitting in that chair, desperately wanting a baby, and they got one. And look at how CUTE their real live baby is!!" I feel used and disgusted with myself for allowing us to participate in the charade. And I think I was a little more blunt than they would have liked when I talked about what an enormous adjustment it was and how we had attachment issues that we were working through and a child who was terrified of her crib, let alone being put down.

I thought the new Hague Convention agreement was going to stipulate intensive training for a-parents? I'm with you. It ought to be mandatory for everyone, even those of us who think we have an inkling of how, uh, challenging it can be.

As for the disruptions? They make me angry. Yes I blame the agencies for making it too easy. But I'm not willing to let the parents off the hook.And I firmly believe that one or two well known cases have now opened the flood gates now that the taboo has been broken. "See! You CAN get a better model if your little Ayja isn't quite as Ayjan as you wanted her to be."

It is interesting that most homestudies for adoption are planned things, but DHS does all of its investigations with UNPLANNED visits and interviews. I think perhaps (although I personally would hate hate hate it) a more accurate picture of the adopting family could be gathered if the process were less structured. I have no idea though--but thank you so much for such a thought provoking post. And I totally 100% agree with art-sweet---I think we should reguire SW visits for ALL new parents, not just adopting ones--so much could be prevented.

I totally agree. The disruptions are really just a (glaring) symptom of a very messed up system. I didn't want to go to the one day class, but I learned a lot from it. Our SW was assigned by our agency and she was very good. But since the homestudy she changed jobs and we have some new person I know nothing about. Doubt I'll call her if we have issues. Agencies *should* do more, but won't until PAP's hold them accountable.

I am a long time lurker (and enjoy your blog very much), but felt compelled to chime in. My two youngest children were adopted via foster care. We went into fc as "pre-adoptive" parents. Our first two placements (a one month old straight from the NICU and a 16 month old) stayed.

Our county DSS required 30 hours of MAPP classes, told us sooooo much scary stuff we watched people literally run away shrieking, and informed us there "were no babies". I guess the total opposite of what many IA adoptive parents experience.

As time went on, and our babies special needs became more and more apparent, DSS offered respite (we thought they were kidding), training, and crying shoulders. They were worried about disruption before the children were even freed for adoption.

I will never understand disruption as in "You don't like this baby?" and I will never understand the cavalier attitude that some agencies hold in that regard.

BTW, neither myself nor any foster parent I know has had an unplanned DSS visit. Where I live an unplanned visit is done in response to a CPS allegation.

Thank you for sharing your story, Amy. I have found that some of the most insightfull thoughts I've read and pondered on adoption have come from your blog.

We were pretty disappointed with how "lite" the home study process was as well. The only required education component was an online course with "homework" that our SW never looked at. The SW also never asked us any probing questions about our experiences with grief and loss or how we respond to challenges/crisis, or otherwise evaluated our problem-solving capabilities -- all of which could be important indicators of whether we would be at risk to disrupt.

It seems to me that even if the education component were standardized in some way, the SW involvement is still problematic, both from (as you point out) a conflict-of-interest standpoint, and because there is so much room for subjectivity. I just don't know whether SWs really have the training to evaluate parents' readiness to adopt on more than a superficial level, and yet some SWs take it upon themselves to reject parents solely on the basis of past infertility treatment. And then there are SWs like ours who let us sail through largely (I believe) on the basis of her own identification/connection with us and our similar ethnic background, jobs, and homes.

I would love to figure out a way for there to be an advocate or simply more support for adoptive parents without the increased cost of such support putting adoption out of reach for those already struggling with the costs of adopting. On the other hand, you would think that disruption is just too big a price to pay for adoption agencies (and state/county agencies) not to make such support available. Thanks for raising these issues and ideas.

Thank you so much for your site, for this post and for sharing your story. The long wait to adoption has given me a long time to examine my own motives about I-Adoption. Along with adult adoptee blogs, which are hard, but so important to me, I love this blog for showing a 3-d picture of a child and a family. I don't think you paint a scary picture - what scares me is the hundreds of "waiting for mei-june" blogs. It scares me that there are templates for such blogs. It scares me that that there is an entire market for t-shirts about waiting for a baby from china. That there is canned theme music and Hallmark sayings about Chinese babies. It makes it me want to go screaming for the hills. I can only imagine what it will make an entire generation of adopted Chinese girls feel in 20 years time. Your blog is one of the ones that nudges me and reminds me why I wanted to do this. Why I (humbly) hope/believe that a family thousands of miles away might be the best answer for some children. Thank you.

i think the parent advocate (or whatever you want to call it) would be great. i could have used someone to tell me there was such a thing as post ADOPTION depression. that feeling blue when you finally got what you had waited for, for so long was normal. and frankly the home study was a joke. anyone with half a brain could figure out what they wanted to hear/see. but i thinkno matter how in depth that sort of stuff is that will always be the case. realistic classes would be nice.

I agree wholeheartedly. I remember that in one of our agency's 'required' classes (only if you were local), I brought up questions about TRA, culture (how much, how to, etc). I got blank stares from the rest of the class, and the SW leading it basically blew me off and went on about the class. How does that help anyone?!

To her credit, she did try to tell everyone how hard it is when a child attaches to one parent and not the other, but that was about the only negative issue she talked about. The rest was her retelling the story of her adopting her daughter, in all its ladybuggy goodness.

And amen on the advocate. Two weeks in China, jetlag and new parenthood all add up to a person not thinking clearly, and needing all the support they can get.

Great post Amy!
Deanna

What scares me the most is that our agency has made attempts, or "scratched the surface" as Figlet said, on some post-adoption issues, they've had families in to speak at seminars that are using Early Intervention therapists, they've connected us with IA doctors and counseling services (and great, really supportive counseling services at that), and yet even that doesn't seem to be enough. And all that is much, much more than what I've heard that some other agencies do.



Even the agencies that try to make these things available aren't always compelling people to use the services, and maybe that's where some of the breakdown is? Our sw was pretty adament about talking about our preparedness for dealing with delays, and our willingness to use therapists where necessary, and etc, but unless someone is there to ensure that is happening when the child comes home, what good is it?



But I don't know how you fix it until the agencies have a real stake in ensuring that disruptions don't happen. The fact that they happen, and happen so easily, disturbs me greatly.



I can't thank you enough for sharing what you do on your blog; it's been a tremendous source of inspiration for me as I wait.

Well, you know how I feel about the need for parental support throughout the process, and how I've thought of doing that. Not necessarily through an agency, actually, because I am not so keen on being affiliated with the adoption "business" (any more than I already am by simply being an adoptive parent).

I think these services are very, very important and very, very lacking.

I spoke too soon. I now give our agency less credit than they deserve. We went for our final post placement visit yesterday, and while they sold themselves to us as offering a fabulous post placement program, when I enquired about some of the services that could benefit my daughter, I was told to wait and see what EI had to say. Ok, look, I'm savvy enough and tenacious enough to navigate the system on my daughter's behalf. And it's still taken me a YEAR to get to this point, a year where I relied on my own network of friends and a-parents, not one put in place by our supposedly child-centered agency. Grrrr. I'm blowing off steam here but I'm mad.

Lurker here coming out of the shadows...

How about this idea? Take the responsibility out of the hands of the agency and give it to the local government. Ok, that sentence just scared me. But here's my example. I live in Denmark now (raised in FL) and we are working on approval for our second child. The process is divided into 3 phases, which the government has set up so it is (roughly) the same across the board. The first thing we were told was that the process wasn't about finding a child for us...it's about finding parents for a child and everyone evaluating us are the children's advocates.

Phase 1-Apply to our county for a general approval. They look at the facts regarding our age, health, money and living situations, our length of marriage and criminal history. If we have a disease that will shorten our life amongst other things then we will not be approved.

Phase 2-Attend the mandatory courses (for first-timers) created by experts. The same for everyone and just wonderful. (We still keep in touch with many of the couples we met here.) Presently the courses consist of 2 weekends (Sat morn-Sun afternoon). First weekend is about our path to adoption. Second weekend is about the adoptee. There was an evening that covered possible medical issues but this was cut. What a shame.

Phase 3-If we choose to continue with adoption, we then choose an agency. Then the county sets up 2 interviews; one at the SW's office and one at our home. The SW is from the county and only works with intl adoption.

The SW makes a report and gives it over to a committee consisting of a doctor, lawyer and I forget who the others are. This committee looks at our report and based upon the SW's recommendation and their evalutation, they approve or deny us. Most are approved.

Choosing a country and all else happens afterwards.
Uhh, this is a little long. Anyway, just wanted to give another option. I know how bogged down the system is in the US. But maybe this would give our children better prepared parents.
Just my 2 cents.
-violet

Good suggestions, but they will never come to fruition unless they are mandatory.

Homestudies are worthless. Social workers see the grimy side of life so often that a lovely home and educated, well spoken applicants without criminal records and an open checkbook are guaranteed a butt kissing report.

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